Nothing to be done?

[sobrique]

Is there something you can do, when you see a friend making a mistake?
I'm not talking about the 'making a wrong turning' on a journey kind of mistake, but more the kind of 'sort it out, or you've just screwed up your life' sort of mistake?

I've always held that you can't stop someone making their own mistakes. If you try, then you just build their resentment, since unwanted advice is often unwelcome. Especially when it's about one's failings.

However, it's never so hard to do that as when it's not so much that you _think_ there'll be a problem as you're pretty damn certain there will. And you know it, and they know it, and you can see that they're denying it to themselves.

Or is there a better route? How would you deal with such a situation? Is it easier or harder to let them fall? And if you stop them falling, what incentive do they have to avoid it happening again?

Comments

[crashbarrier.livejournal.com]

I don't think there is much you can do except prepare for when it all goes wrong.

It depends on the person and the situation you are refering to. I find I have to evaluate the situation and the attitude of the person or persons involved.. How much do you know about that persons attitude to Advice etc..

[scarletdemon.livejournal.com]

It's difficult...If it is an addiction type problem, you can voice your opinion and be "there" for them but you can't stop them until THEY see it is a problem. You should avoid "enabling" them though.

If it is a problem of the heart, or a practical issue, like jobs, or moving... I dunno. Again, I think gently voicing your opinion is in order. And if they are embarking on an affair or something, don't be complicit.

I suppose my advice is all the same for every occasion then (heh), tell them what you think, offer emotional support but don't "enable" self-destructive behaviour.

[mister-jack.livejournal.com]

My that's a cryptic post! You do realise we'll be reading all sorts of obscure things into it.

The thing is, Ed, you can't stop your friends doing stuff they want to do. Really, you don't have that power, at best you can express your concerns and then point and laugh later at worst you can push the matter and break your friendship over it.

That and there is, near enough, no single thing you can do that will screw your life up. People make mistakes, maybe learn from, maybe grow stronger and, always, carry on.

[sobrique.livejournal.com]

No, I know.

You can't stop someone doing what they want to. The only time you _may_ be able to is if you're imposing discipline on your children, or a boss intending to sack employees. But at the end of the day, that still require that they adhere to your will, and acknowledge your authority.

That doesn't mean it's easy, when you can see the road they're walking, because you've been that way yourself. And you know how much it'll hurt, but everything you say to try and convince them of this just leads to ... worsening the situation. Driving a schism at a time when that's the last thing you need.

[zaitan.livejournal.com]

Dependant on who it was I would try one of a few angles.

If it was a very good friend, or someone I respected I would try and have the "serious talk" thing. Making it clear from the outset that I not telling them what to do, but making sure that they are fully aware of the consequences. The chat would include all the angles and possible outcomes.

If it were an acquaintance, then it can get slightly easier. Especially if you do not know the whole situation, as it allows you put in the proper reactions if you can get them to talk to you about the matter. This can end up at the serious chat thing as above, except in this one the disclaimer needs to be woven in partway through the conversation.

If, after all your best efforts, they still seem intent on self destruction then there is not much you can do. If I were in this situation I would feel worse for not trying. If, however, they had been a serious twat to me in the past then I would not even try. But that is just me being bitter and evil.

[sobrique.livejournal.com]

Oh agreed, it's a lot easier when it's someone who it's no skin off your nose if they decide they hate you.

[(Anonymous)]

It's a tough one. It's always so much easier to advise on something that to be living out the situation. Some of my friends, and my mum, frustrate me so much at times. I end up shouting at them lots, and in some cases I think it does make a difference. But at the end of the day, people will do what people will do. Even if it sucks. I guess just be there when it goes wrong, if you really care.

[feanelwa.livejournal.com]

I always tell them, especially in a situation when they're going to end up going out with somebody I can see is going to be abusive. As somebody who knows the signs better than most I think I have a duty to watch out for people who don't. If you fall into quicksand and struggle your way out, then somebody else comes along, you may as well tell them about the quicksand and then stand there to help them out if they don't listen, otherwise there's no good can be done to make up for your having fallen in there in the first place.

[sebbo.livejournal.com]

well.. its not me right... if so.. i'm not going to add any advice as plenty has been given.

[sobrique.livejournal.com]

Yer paranoid now :).
No, it's not you.

[revdj.livejournal.com]

I get sick and tired of people who know less than I do telling me that I am making mistakes. From the guy next to me telling me I should stand on a soft-18 when the dealer has a ten showing, to my mom telling me that I was addicted to pot because I smoked it thrice, to my brother telling me that unless I give my life to Christ I go to hell, it gets annoying when people who I think are clearly in the wrong are telling me what to do with my life so I can be dull and stupid like them.

I'm not saying you are one of them, but I don't know what your friend's perspective will be. I'm sure Mike is honestly convinced I will go to Hell unless I accept Jesus and vote republican.

[sobrique.livejournal.com]

It's a fair point. Giving advice without knowing all the details is often a disaster :).

*shrug* I guess people's mistakes may just not be, and even if they are, they are their own to make.

[mcnazgul.livejournal.com]

I picked up a piece of obscure wisdom yesterday - every change and mistake that happens is there to make you who you are. Some people think 'Meh, appears on the Internet every few days' but this one hit home when I was thinking about certain people from a few years back and I realised what had happened as a result improved me no end.

Now if you genuinely think it's a BAD idea (tm) then let them know then say you'll support them anyway (only if that's true of course) because that's what friends do. Otherwise, keep your own counsel. As has been pointed out, you may not have all the facts or perspective of the other person.

However, if it is a life-changing event I know if someone knew something and didn't tell me about it I'd have to ask them why... and the best way to get their perspective is to talk about it. You don't strike me as the kind of person who meddles without a good reason and besides if they are dead set on the course of action, it'll happen anyway.