Shattered worldview

[sobrique]

As you meet new people, you gradually come to realise, that there's some you just don't get along with. In some cases, the reason for this is obvious. In others, it can be less so.

I still don't entirely understand how this happens. I fully accept that not everyone sees the world quite the same way, and I'm more than happy to agree to disagree on a subject. But is it possible that the way someone sees things is just fundamentally incompatible?

Getting to know and understand people, starts with a common ground, and grows from mutual and disparate interests. But sometimes, it seems that the common ground to build on is very shakey indeed.

How much tolerance is a person automatically entitled to? The sensible people will simply avoid those that wind them up, simply because getting in fights daily is just no fun at all. But sometimes the situation is forced, either through work, or some other obligation. At which point you have to decide whether this interaction is worth the effort, or not.

It can be an unpleasant choice to make. And much easier rationalised by "they're just an arsehole". I've caught myself doing it.

I don't know. I find common ground with a lot of people, but I still find it hard dealing with some. Does mental illness/trauma come in to it, or is there some angle I'm missing, with the people who seem very effective at annoying multiple others?

Comments

[crashbarrier.livejournal.com]

you know, i spent the last Hour writting a post about learning development and socialbility in children and how problems early in development affect sociablity and social skills later in life. I didn't post it, mainly becuase the wording wasn't right and it din't flow correctly I think after reading yours I will reconstruct it at home a post.

As to your questions above,

How much tolerance is a person automatically entitled to?

I work on teh Three strikes you are out rule.. occasionally I extend this unfortunately there comes a time when my ability to mentally cope with the strain of maintaining a civil presence around the person fails. and at this point I stop trying.

As for common ground. I will admit I spent much of my formative years estranged from my own peer group, I have admitted I get along better with people older and younger than myself (i think possibly due to some mental scarrign at an early age from my so called friends:/) I have found I can get along famously with some people in this world, I can be cordial and frindly with others who don't wnat to be my friend. But i will spend no more of my time and emotional energy on people who repeatedly stab me in the back. I'm sorry but I can't keep extending the hand to have it bitten..

[absintheskiss.livejournal.com]

You are one of those people famed got getting on with others. I find that the key is as you say, finding that common ground and building on it.

But sometimes, rarely, but sometimes, there are people that you just cannot get on with. Maybe they press one of your 'bad' buttons, or there is something about them that just sets you off the wrong way. Occassionally you can find something out about that person that explains so much, that as soon as you have that background things fall into place and you find getting along with them so much easier.

After then, well, you cannot get on with absolutely everyone. We are all individuals and cannot offer compatability guarantees!! If you have tried your best, and still things are not working, then move on and invest your energies on the friends you do have.

[elrohana.livejournal.com]

I have always been able to get along with most people, and am generally a peacemaker and mediator. My mum says I'm a chameleon, I can blend in anywhere. But even so there are people I meet I just cannot bring myself to like, they creep me out and for no good reason I can spot. One guy I worked with actually made my skin crawl - literally - whenever he came in the room, yet from all I could learn about him, he was a top bloke. I put it down to pheromones and managed to be polite to him, if not actively friendly. And sometimes there are people who start off ok, as friends even, and then just take the piss, and you give them a couple of chances to make good, and when they don't, you move on. I have forgiven friends for some pretty heinous crimes, because I genuinely believed they were sorry. But there are others who said the same words but I couldn't feel their heart in it, and those people I will never forgive, even if I one day manage to at least be polite to them in public.

[mcnazgul.livejournal.com]

Yes, that common ground can be tenuous. It's why people can be very careful with things if a relationship is fragile, especially as words arequick to launch and difficult to recall . Difference of values and the resulting misunderstandings have generated entire libraries.

Generally speaking if you don't like them, you do so for a reason. You do get 'skincrawl' and 'hackleraising' - this may be caused by a resemblance to someone you've known before/ strongly disagree with or subconscious cues/bad chemistry. This can be just as bad the other way (if you spark with someone you shouldn't). Note, adjust and limit contact accordingly.

If this reason is the same for all the people involved either i) someone is stirring or ii) they've managed to do it to all the people independently.
It's rare that someone honks a bunch of people off for different reasons, especially if they know each other.

Fortunately ii) can be solved by the simple expedience of explaining it to the offending party tactfully and without judgement. Harder than said and achievable. i) is trickier because you have to a) find out who was primarily honked off and b) whether the others are justified in that view.

Be very careful when ascribing mental illness to people; it's more common than many give credit for. Mental trauma is even more prevalent and unless the individual in question indicates they are willing (and OK) with talking about it don't even try unless you're absolutely sure of what will happen.

How much tolerance are people entitled to? As much as you're willing to give - you decide when enough is enough. You are personally responsible for your responses and attitudes in any relationship. How's that for courage?!

[velvet-nothing.livejournal.com]

Why would you *want* to get on with everybody. Friendships are only special because they are things you can't have with just anybody and everybody. Every relationship is different and unique and I'm sorry but some people *are* just arses. Um, in my opinion...

[sobrique.livejournal.com]

Because everyone out there is in some ways unique and wonderful, if you take the time to find out.

OK, so some hide it pretty well. I don't think friendships are special because they're finite. I think they're special because the level of connection is what makes us live life.

[mister-jack.livejournal.com]

Getting on with someone is different from having a meaningful friendship with them. Getting on with as many people as possible just plain makes life more pleasant.