A little comedy

[sobrique]

A bundle of jokes, mostly pilfered from the journal of scouseboy (and contributors).


Q. What's got two legs and bleeds?
A. Half a cat

Q: How do you make a bear cross?
A: Nail two of them together.

Q: What's a Shitzu?
A: A zoo with no animals.


A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things.
1 - The bartender is a blonde woman.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde woman.
3 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
4 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler,
and...
5 - I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD, a black belt in karate and a very bad mood!

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says;
"Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

What's the difference between a Brothel and a pre-school?
(don't know)
Well, then you're one sick person.

What's got a hundred balls and fucks bunnies?
A shotgun.

There's two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says: "You drive, I'll man the guns."

There's two parrots on a perch. Only looks at the other and says "can you smell fish".

What's worse than Michael Jackson putting your kids to bed?
Ian Huntley giving them a bath.

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer," it says. The bartender promptly serves him one. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you, no charge."

A man comes home early from work one day and hears strange groaning sounds coming from upstairs. Heading up, he finds his wife in bed with another man, humping madly. "What the hell's going on here?" he shouts.
His wife rolls her eyes. "See," she says to her lover, "I told you he was stupid."


A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, mate, we don't serve food here."

"Doctor, please help me, I'm so stressed. I keep losing my temper."
"Tell me about your problem."
"I just did, you moron!"

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He said "How flexible are you?"
I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

So I went down the local supermarket.
I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it."
He said "Those are pickled onions".

So I was having dinner with Gary Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

When England was an Empire we had an Empress, when we were a Kingdom, we had a King, now we're a country, we've got Tony Blair.

So these two cannibals are eating a clown and one says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Either this man is dead, or my watch has stopped...."
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