Nice guys come last.
Mar. 18th, 2004 05:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sobriqueI read an article a while back, about this very subject.
I've heard it expressed or have observed it at numerous occasions.
What the quote refers to is the situation in which "nice guys" don't end up with girlfriends, decent jobs, exciting lives etc. where "bastards" do.
There's a problem with this. Typically the complaint comes from the 'nice guy' himself. You know, missing out on stuff because no one notices how nice they are, and actually they _deserve_ to do well.
The thing that typically distinguishes bastard from nice guy in these complaints is this: The nice guy was waiting for someone to notice. Waiting for that dream job to come along, or waiting for that girl he is obsessing about to notice.
The best things don't come to those that wait. The best things come to those who are prepared to reach out for their dreams.
Relationships, jobs, life doesn't just magically spread out in front of anyone. If you want a job, they're not going to telepathically figure out that actually you're great and are perfect for this job. Or that girl you fancy can't read your mind, and quite possibly isn't sure either. So unless you make it clear, then nothing is going to happen. And eventually one or other is going to get bored with waiting. Remember, that we're still in a very male oriented society, so if anything the bloke has the _easier_ time.
Occasionally someone will intervene, but more often than not that just creates a short term relationship that's build on a foundation of resentment.
So if you really are a nice guy, who's really talented, and would be great, then don't just let things slip by.
They do say it's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved.
The correlary is that it's better to ask the question, than to always wonder.
Rejection of any sort sucks but the pain fades quick - after all, if it's not mutual (in either job or relationship) then it's probably not going to work anyway - Following someone around and hoping they'll notice that you're nice is just a good way to annoy yourself, them, and everyone else.
Now me, I'm a coward about such things. I'm getting better at the job thing, but chatting up girls? Naa. I need way more practice before I'm going to feel confident about doing so.
I'm not going to complain at how all these people I thought were gorgeous ended up with the wrong bloke (specifically not me - is that selfish? Yep.). I'm sure most are actually pretty content - after all, they got what they were after.
I never said anything. I never did anything. So can I really be surprised that actually, they didn't notice I was interested?
Nice guys don't come last. They may get less sex overall, but if the day comes that they meet the girl of their dreams, and actually do something about it, then they'll probably be very well set for the rest of their life.
Oh and for the record:
Nice guys don't whine.
... don't think of themselves as 'Nice Guys'.
... don't obsess about someone, hoping they'll notice and think that their obsession is really nice.
... don't wait for the world to come to them.
That's selfish, arrogant, dependant, lazy or introverted.
I've heard it expressed or have observed it at numerous occasions.
What the quote refers to is the situation in which "nice guys" don't end up with girlfriends, decent jobs, exciting lives etc. where "bastards" do.
There's a problem with this. Typically the complaint comes from the 'nice guy' himself. You know, missing out on stuff because no one notices how nice they are, and actually they _deserve_ to do well.
The thing that typically distinguishes bastard from nice guy in these complaints is this: The nice guy was waiting for someone to notice. Waiting for that dream job to come along, or waiting for that girl he is obsessing about to notice.
The best things don't come to those that wait. The best things come to those who are prepared to reach out for their dreams.
Relationships, jobs, life doesn't just magically spread out in front of anyone. If you want a job, they're not going to telepathically figure out that actually you're great and are perfect for this job. Or that girl you fancy can't read your mind, and quite possibly isn't sure either. So unless you make it clear, then nothing is going to happen. And eventually one or other is going to get bored with waiting. Remember, that we're still in a very male oriented society, so if anything the bloke has the _easier_ time.
Occasionally someone will intervene, but more often than not that just creates a short term relationship that's build on a foundation of resentment.
So if you really are a nice guy, who's really talented, and would be great, then don't just let things slip by.
They do say it's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved.
The correlary is that it's better to ask the question, than to always wonder.
Rejection of any sort sucks but the pain fades quick - after all, if it's not mutual (in either job or relationship) then it's probably not going to work anyway - Following someone around and hoping they'll notice that you're nice is just a good way to annoy yourself, them, and everyone else.
Now me, I'm a coward about such things. I'm getting better at the job thing, but chatting up girls? Naa. I need way more practice before I'm going to feel confident about doing so.
I'm not going to complain at how all these people I thought were gorgeous ended up with the wrong bloke (specifically not me - is that selfish? Yep.). I'm sure most are actually pretty content - after all, they got what they were after.
I never said anything. I never did anything. So can I really be surprised that actually, they didn't notice I was interested?
Nice guys don't come last. They may get less sex overall, but if the day comes that they meet the girl of their dreams, and actually do something about it, then they'll probably be very well set for the rest of their life.
Oh and for the record:
Nice guys don't whine.
... don't think of themselves as 'Nice Guys'.
... don't obsess about someone, hoping they'll notice and think that their obsession is really nice.
... don't wait for the world to come to them.
That's selfish, arrogant, dependant, lazy or introverted.
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no subject
Date: 2004-03-19 10:57 am (UTC)"The thing that typically distinguishes bastard from nice guy in these complaints is this: The nice guy was waiting for someone to notice."
Incorrect assumption. Most people I consider "Nice Guy's" think people are bastards because of how they treat others, not on how well they're doing. That _most_ bastards are doing better than _most_ nice guy's isn't relevant in the judgement of "Bastard" or "Nice Guy".
Overall, you've got a point. Most "Nice Guys" don't do a lot of chasing. A true and fair point. A fair few areas of my life could be improved by me making more effort. But they're the ones I don't moan about. I know I'm not doing my best, so I keep quiet about it.
(Except possibly in my LJ, but there I make the rules, I'm not forcing anyone to read, which lets me get away with a lot. I Decided to be Brutally Frank in it the day I set it up, so if I'm feeling slightly out of sorts, I can air it there, even if I'm being horribly self indulgent to do so).
However, there *are* area's in my life I've made the best damm effort I could again, and again, and again. And it's all gone horribly wrong again, and again, and again. So I've given up, and generally keep quiet on the subject (if you've been paying attention you'll note that it's always other people who bring these subjects up). I *could* have tried harder. I could have lied, I could have manipulated people, and I could have sacrificed some of my principles. In the end, I *know* I would have got further if I had.
"Rejection of any sort sucks but the pain fades quick"
Leaves a scar though. Repeated rejection really does start to Fuck with you.
"Nice don't think of themselves as 'Nice Guys'."
Utter bollocks! Why does a realistic view of what you are prevent you from being a "Nice Guy"? A realistic view of the world means you're more likely to be clinically depressed, but what's that got to do with you being a nice guy or not?
(I should qualify that. It comes from some random study I read somewhere (years ago). Aparently, a study showed that the clinically depressed have the most realistic view of the world. I'm sure statistics were involved somewhere though, so take it with varying ammounts of salt. Personally, I belive it. Has a certain ring of truth to it IMHO).
"Nice guys don't come last. They may get less sex overall"
Nice Guy's don't give a rats arse about Sex! Sex and Love are very different things.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-22 06:59 am (UTC)Leaves a scar though. Repeated rejection really does start to Fuck with you.
Yes. Leaving you with 3 options. 1: Try again, maybe circumstances weren't right (different company, different job, different person). 2: Try and find out why, and fix it.
3: Mope around and feel miserable.
"Nice don't think of themselves as 'Nice Guys'."
Utter bollocks! Why does a realistic view of what you are prevent you from being a "Nice Guy"? A realistic view of the world means you're more likely to be clinically depressed, but what's that got to do with you being a nice guy or not?
I stand by my assertion. If a person truly believes themself to be a nice guy, they are either a saint and have no flaws, or arrogant beyond delusion.
It's one thing to be aware of things that you can do well - social skills, technical skills, whatever.
It's another entirely to decide what everyone elses opinion of you is or should be. Nice is a subjective measure.