sobrique | The value of a secret

Certain discussions over the last few days has had me pondering on a few things:

The value of the words "I'm sorry",
The importance of a secret and trust,
And the related item, "Do you really want to know?".

Well to the first. Contrary to what politicians believe, it's not expressing regret that something happened. I could say I would like to express regret for the declaration of independance of America. Which might be accurate, but is not something to apologise for.

An apology is an admission of a mistake. A way of accepting responsibility for something going wrong. Apologies on someone else's behalf is patronising when you're in no way responsible for their actions.

There's three aspects. The first is an admission that something went wrong. The second is the admission that it was, at least partially, something to do with you. The last is an acknowledgement of the fact, and that you won't do it again.

Just think for a moment, when you last apologised to someone. Admitted that, actually, it is possible that you were wrong. That there's no one who's always right, and in any communication there's a possibility for error.

The other angle is the value of a secret. An item told in confidence. How do you treat something secret? Have you ever betrayed a confidence? For the latter, I don't mean explicitly if you've been told "Don't mention this to anyone else but..." I mean when it's not your secret to share.

If someone is having medical problems, relationship problems, a personal email address or phone number, or just something that's bothering them, that they've got to work out, then the secret is _theirs_. The story is theirs, the information is _theirs_. Repeating the secret to others, in the interests of gossip, something to talk about, or just plain spite is an outrageous thing to do. It's a betrayal of trust and friendship. A thing told in confidence, be it a character concept for a game, or the fact that one is suicidally depressed is not something that should be shouted from the rooftops without explicit permission.

I've thought of occasions where I've done it, although hopefully not recently. I aspire to be a little more cautious about such things. Everything has a weight, a value, and importance to the holder. Sometimes silence is a hard burden, so your knowledge may need to be shared with someone you trust.

Sometimes it's better to say nothing and be thought a fool than open one's mouth and remove all doubt.

But what when the secret affects someone else? Do they have the right to be told? In the particular example, there was a clash of personalities, and a discussion on if someone was to be included in a group for an event.
Never a pleasant or easy subject. That aside, the question becomes:
Do you ever really want to know what people think of you? It's said on many an occasion, but if the upshot was a 'shotgun critique' of your personality flaws, would you want to hear it?

No one is flawless. Everyone is unique. There are some people I don't get along with especially well. And so I try and avoid them, and when that's not avoidable, I do my damndest to hold my tongue. Because I think that people don't really want to hear what I think of them. Whatever they say, it's hurtful to have someone point out your failures, even when combined with an observation of strengths. To say such things can be a good way to smash apart a friendship, since neither party will come away happier or more fulfilled.

Am I wrong in thinking that? Is it kinder to be brutally honest, and as objective as possible, so in the long run one can grow as a person?

And so having said the above, I feel I need to make my apology. I'm not going to name who, since after all, this is a public post. Those with a reason to know, know, and those who don't, probably don't need to.

I'm sorry for conveying the impression that an LJ community was a good place to have a discussion about people to exclude from a group.

I'm sorry to the person who was excluded from that discussion, and then found it subsequently. That was unfair. The situation should have been discussed more privately, and a consensus of opinion reached.

And I'm sorry that I didn't speak up and point out that excluding someone from discussions that it was known they had an interest in, and so would be hurtful, was unfair.