Why try to be nice?

[sobrique]

Someone asked me in the Pub last night, "why do you try to be so nice?".
Now, relative niceness aside, it was a question that gave me pause for thought.

I mean, I hadn't really given it much before, it just simply was a thing that had to be done.

But with a little reflection, I've realised that there is an answer. It's all to do with your perceptions of the world. You see, I've never met someone with no redeeming features whatsoever. They may or may not even exist. Of all the people I've met, they've all had something special and wonderful inside them. Admittedly, some hide it more than most.

In many ways, trying to be 'nice' is a very selfish way of looking at the world:
Wouldn't you rather look around, and be surrounded by beautiful multifaceted jewels, than blocks of gray dark blobs of concrete?

In everyone you meet, the difference is just a question of looking the right way.

The beautiful jewels around are all different colours, shapes and sizes. None are perfect. No one ever is. But even a flawed diamond is still a diamond.

The saddest thing of all is when a person loses sight of that within themselves. Sometimes they need to be reminded.

And the real thing? Love is not finite. Reaching out to someone and caring for them exposes you to being hurt by them. And hurt in the only ways one can truly be hurt. But it never lessens you.

Comments

[revdj.livejournal.com]

I was in an intense discussion with someone, about how to handle a student.

SHE: Your problem is you are trying to be a nice guy!
ME: No! I am NOT trying to be a nice guy! I genuinely AM a nice guy!

I'm not sure if, in your posting, you mean trying to be nice (which one can do at will) or being nice (which one has no control over)

[sobrique.livejournal.com]

Doesn't one stem from the other though? When you're looking for the best in people, you'll usually find it, and when that happens it stops becoming a choice whether to care or not.

[dj-rws.livejournal.com]

I agree with your perception thing. On a relative scale people have many attributes. Some of their attributes are relatively better than others but even with people who apparently have no redeeming features it's very easy to say "well they could be worse" and you'd be right. One probably could imagine a worse person than they are but does that make them any better? I guess on a relative scale it does but always seeing the good in someone can be a bad thing.

I've had some recent experience with some friends who I've tried to help, care for, advise etc. but at the end of the day can/should you judge them and/or be the one to point out flaws or keep helping them regardless? A truly "nice guy" would be there for them no matter what but then again who's gonna be there for the "nice guy"? Why is it the nice guy's job to be burdened with everything at his own expense? I don't believe there's such a thing as true autruism (sp?). Most people are nice because they like to make someone else happy because they get joy from other people's happiness. It's not autruism but it's mutual because (forgiving the pun) everybody's happy.

But sometimes one reaches the point when no more can be done and you've just got to leave people to their own devices. After all, it's their life and they've got to make their own mistakes. Some may learn and some may not but it's still their choice to make and no one can take that away from anyone.

Bah I think I'm rambling now because this seems a little close to home. I've just learned recently that sometimes "a spade is just a spade" to quote a metaphor. Nice people do get hurt but sometimes it's their own fault even though they have the best of intentions. It might seem like you're quitting on someone when you come to accept the bad parts of them, when all you want to see is the good that's just not there but that's a negative way of looking at it. Everyone has flaws and learning to accept them for who they are rather than trying to change their "perceived" short comings is a part of maturity. Being nice is commendable but it can be a bad thing since you can be too nice. Knowing when and when not to be nice, to strike a balance, is the key, I think.

Anyway I don't know why I'm saying this but I think it's the general frame of mind I'm in coupled with other issues that have been bouncing around the boards (and I'm not thinking of anything specific before you ask). Guess I just want to say my peace on these type of matters.

Richard

[sobrique.livejournal.com]

Being nice to people isn't the same thing as being naive.
Judging someone by what they do or don't do isn't necessarily a bad thing. However it's also a dangerous thing - making judgements without being fully aware of all the facts at best is rash, and at works a catastrophic mistake.

So yes, look with open eyes, and accept a person for all that they are. And when they're faced with difficulties, challenges or just a hard path through life, stand by them. The hardest task is the one that must be accomplished alone.

[dj-rws.livejournal.com]

True but there's a difference between someone who *needs* help and someone who *wants* it and naivity is the nice guy's enemy in that respect. And ocassionally one might find people who, with any amount of help, cannot "recover" but this is not because your help is useless but because they're not capable of first helping themselves. As with all situations perception and recognition are the key but it's not always possible to see the hole the nice guy is about to fall into.

[mister-jack.livejournal.com]

Who knew you were such a poet, Ed? :thumbs up:

eh?

[csi-ellie.livejournal.com]

You're not nice, you are mean - i know i have scars!! Nice post though, maybe a little sickly and urr nice?!