A year on

[sobrique]

A year ago, I didn't really believe in love. I saw a sort of wish fulfilling projection, suited for fantasy. Something underpinned by codependency and lust, but no more than that.
I think that lead me towards being cynical. I mean, fantasies are all well and good, but ... pretending that they're real? Not so much.
I've come quite a long way since then. I've found that cynicsm and romance come from a common root. A defense mechanism, because otherwise the emptiness in your soul threatens to overwhelm.
But y'know, I was content. My life was going quite well, I had... pretty much everything I wanted - a comfortable life, a circle of friends, a job that wasn't totally terrible. Somewhere to live, and all the internet I could swallow.
And I had pretty much resigned myself to the notion that I'd be single most of my life. Have had a relatively small number of 'encounters' but never really found anything satisfying enough to be worth the effort.

A year ago, that changed. There was a brief spark of attraction, that served to overcome my self doubt that anyone could find me worth a second look.
And a year later, it's still good. I've learned a lot about myself, and ... have I think, changed. Not because I needed to, but because when you're with someone who inspires you, that makes so many things freshly possible.

A man who's lived in darkness, might reach for a candle, and think it beautiful. Draw warmth and light from it, and be able to see much more of his world. But he'll know the difference when he comes out of his cave, and sees the sun rise for the first time - a glimmer of fire on the the horizon, rising into the sky - making the world bright, full of colour and warmth.
That's a lot like how I feel. I'm the same person I was, but my world has been illuminated. It has become more vivid.

My only regret is that until now, I didn't realise how cold and dark my world was. I now know what that gap in my soul is, and what shape and size it is. I feel whole, like I never have.

So a year. It feels like ... in some ways, such a long time. I can't really remember what it was like 'before'. It feels like I've lived so much more this year than any other. So much more life packed in.
But at the same time, it feels like a short time. It still feels fresh and new. I still catch myself with butterflies in my stomach. I still find myself quite literally overwhelmed with this wonderful thing. I still catch my breath occasionally, and think 'wow'.

A year ago, I stood on the edge of a precipice, and looked out across the sea. The rocks, far below, looked sharp and hard. But having taken that step - stepped off the edge, and felt the absolute terror and loss of control. Then relaxing. Letting go, and enjoying the ride down, and putting aside the fear of hitting the ground. Hopeing that the journey down would be worth it.
To my shock, I never found out. I found instead that against all hope and expectation, that I can fly. That in stepping off the edge, I've spread wings I never knew I had, and soared out across the world, free in ways I never realised were possible.
Nothing's really changed though - it's just I have a new angle to see things from, and I can see so much more from up here.

From a tiny shoot of possiblity, something has grown. You might call an acorn a tree, but it's not until it has grown that it fulfils it's potential. Given a little shelter and nurturing, it will grow. Day by day, becoming bigger and stronger, until you have something that's strong and enduring. That will provide shade, shelter and somewhere to stand to look out on the world. And each day, it will grow a little more.

I still don't know what the future might bring. Don't know how I might change, or what's going to happen next. I do know though who I want to spend it with. I do know that whatever happens, however it turns out - it will have been worth it.